Tandyland
No I ain’t dead

Dear followers.

A few nefareous people on Runners World are saying that I killed myself. Some guy said I did it while I was naked in a tub of butter or some such tom follery. 

I’m alive. Very much.

I just got sick of the ridecule on the bulletin boards and other outlets and etc.

I am also focusing my time to coach the few people from my church fellowship running group who are paying me to take them to my sub elite level. 

Yours in Christ,

Harry Tandy

My Reviews of the Boston Marathon.

You people have seen the news, Ryan Hall led several others under the world record on Monday, almost holding for the Win and now the international running union has decided not to count it because of the Wind. You ask me, THEY are the wind bags.

Look, I know a little bit about running the marathon. Not everyone can run for over four hours, and having done so many occasions I can tell you I am no fucking dummy, you learn from this. People have been saying that the wind added like 2-3 minutes off people’s times. Funny becuase no one who was actually there, is saying that. For example Letsrun founder Renato Conava offered analysis that basically said that Africans in addition to not benefiting from EPO because their black and thin at altitude also said that some people (and I am simplefying) don’t get the wind advantage because they are already running at 100 percent of maximal velocity efficiency. Plus in my own Lay Opinion no one that thin can be helped by the wind especially now that blacks don’t wear Afros so much anymore, which is good in general because I cannot see over there heads at MMA events with those big ass dos.

So anyway they say, no American Record for Hall. And knowing a few things about the business I can tell you that his sponsor Nike is not going to be too happy about the Boston Association cnaging their minds about the nature of the course. It was the world record when Bill Rogers ran it for the first time in 1975 shortly before he was cheated out of the glod by East German born Frank Shorter at the Toronto Olympics and I think he reset the record in 1980 when there was a boycott of the Olympics in what was then the former USSR. Fuck it, you can’t even bother running a race anymore without someone sticking there nose in everyone’s business by determining a course ‘record not eligible” thanks to some weather bull shit. And anyone who thinks Boston is down hill wasn’t there the same years I was, I’m glad I didn’t accept there comp entry this year as I am planning to Peak for the fall. Thanks for reading, I know your pissed off too & Pardon my salty language.

I want to fill you in on my house

Much as already been written and facts have already been here with stated that I live in a real dump place.

I would like to tell you about it here with.

Along time ago, my father moved his Godfearing family from parts south of Jonesboro Arkansas up to Nebraska.

The parts of Nebraska in his days were good clean Godfearing parts with men who wore suits on sundays and drank punch ‘stead of wine. No womanizeing and no hoaring about in his days. He came here because things were pure as the snow the falls on the top of a mountain.

Well he raised us as kin and godfearing and the like. We did our best to read the Good Lords’ Holy Book. Me and my brother Gary. We were Godfearing too.

Well Dad has since went on into Christ’ busomb and mom has too and it was just me and Gary and so I stayed here in Nebraska and moved into Dads’ place.

For ten long years I’ve lived here and I’ve seen this place turn into a turd pile.

The big agrobusness moved into town and pushed out the family farms. The Mexicans and the others from the south came here and I aint got nothing against them because they are doing hard work, but they drive down prices and wages and makes it hard for the Tandys’ of the world to make their living here.

The Mexicans work hard cutting up chickens and turning cattle into meat. I can vouch because I am a shift supevizor here at the Gibbon Meat packing facility. I run a shift of about ten Mexicans who are all named Jose or Jesus. They ware there papist crosses and do their papist rituals and make hexes on the white folk like they’re shift supervizor who don’t know that the hell they are saying.

Anyway, back to my house. 

as a runner I’m keen to the state of the environs here and I can tell you its no good at all. The vacant lot across from my house is full of glass and condoms and dead rats and whatnot. The Mexicans have big families and move in next door. Then come in some other immigrants from Gwatamala or whatever that place down there is called and they have big partys and make all sorts of maraeechi band music until late at night that drives me into fits and starts and rouses me out of bed so that I raise my window and shake my fist like Clint Eastwood in Grand Tournio.

The kids ride around on bikes and break beer bottles and chuck them into the fields that I run in and scare away the crows who fly up and over my house making the damn sky turn black. They toss theyre Mexican firecrackers at dogs and it sounds like Molataff cocktails.

The old lady next door named Mrs. Ruth is about one hundred. Nobody takes care of her and so I run the gawntlet of mexican firecrackers and bottles and kids riding around spitting to go see her and tend to her needs like changing diapers and spooning oatmeal into her hairy mouth. She told me she dated a man in the first world war whatever that means. she tells me she can stand up on her own and then every now and again she uses words that are unmentionable here on this family freindly b-log.

I get sad tending to Mrs. ruth and so I go for my marathon runs and do my Rewandan sprints. I pass the licker store and keep running because I want to keep myself in subelite shape which is where I will end it for tonight.

So that’s my house I wanted to tell you about.

-Harry Tandy

NOW ANNOUNCING! HARRY TANDY COACHING!

Create your own banner at mybannermaker.com!

Dear followers:

I am starting a running coaching service that will put to good use my vast arrays of talents.

Shop window says OPEN.

Lights are on.

Coach Harry Tandy is sitting at the desk with the computer.

Here is what you get from my services.

-24 hours of advice and counsel on the internet or on the phone

-Free “HARRY TANDYS’ COACHING SERVICE” tee shirt.

-guaranty of a new marathon record for you

-God in your corner. I will include you in my daily prayers said at the church runner fellowship that I take part in.

-a plan that includes Harrys’ key elements of training *trademark all rights reserved copy right 2011 Harry Tandys’ Coaching Service) which are-sprints, 8mile runs,diet training, and barefoot running advice and counsel. If you sign up for the extended plan, I will share some secrets I got departed on me from when I lived in Rewanda.

-I will interview you for my colum that is called “Advice from a subelite”

-I am certefied by my expertise in subelite running which was a 3:55 marathon. You may write me for particlers about that event.

The cost is 20 10 dollars a week. I can give you my address upon your signing of a letter of entent. 

Yours in running,

Harry Tandy

PS You can find me on facebook. My shop is here.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Harry-Tandys-Coaching-Service/200809876620665

write me at harrytandy@yahoo.com

There will be more about my qualifications on this space soon to come.

Here with you may return to my b-log.

-Harry Tandy.

http://tandyland.tumblr.com/

Mail time

Since I’ve started my colum, I’ve gotten two letters with questions. I’m going to post my answers here.

This is the first letter from a guy named Morse Parker.

"Hey Tandy. Are you real or are you made up? I think you are someone who is pretending to be a dumb rube."

And my response is this.

"I am Harry Tandy. I was born in 1962 in Jonesboro Arkansas to the parents of Dwain Jonah Handy and Maude Handy (who was named Maude Franklin before she and my dad got hitched). We moved to Nebraska in 1985. I have an older brother named Gary. I work at the Gibbon meat packing plant. I am a shift superviser. I am not someone else. If you doubt my autheticety you can write me at harrytandy@yahoo.com. I will send you a picture and even a picture of my social secruity card if you like. I can even have Garry write you and my buddy, John Salter can vouch for me too."

The second letter goes like this.

"Tandy. Suck a big bag of dicks."

It was from this email. hoebackcockshitball@live.com

And I respond. “Jesus told his disciples to turn the other cheek. But before I do, I ask if you have been saved and washed clean of the sins? If not, rite me and I will tell you about my close personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ and how my fellowship of brother Christian runners can help out.”

And in closing I am going to post a picture of how I feel right now especially since two people wrote me at least which makes me feel good about the progress of my coaching situation and whatnot.

-In Christ’s name for ever amen,

Harry Tandy.

Peace Of Advice Number Six

Written primearily for Runners’ World forum of beginners.

First to get some things out of the way.

Foremost. I’m getting some people writing me saying that I’m mispelling peace of advice and other sentances and words. And I will say that I am not of the finest educational background.

My father, God and Jesus rest his holy soul, was a Baptist preacher and raised us going to revivals. He homeschooled me and my brother Gary. I pretty much recite the whole Bible so that should balance out with my lack of proper grammer.

Now that is settled.

To the beginner runners out there.

First and of the most vital is that I am a 3:55 marathoner. I know that doesn’t make me an elite runner in the sense that I could only keep up with the Kenyan runners for probably 5 miles of a 10K, but a couple at the guys in my church fellowship tell me I’m close to subelite status. One of them is named John Salter. He is a 4:45 marathon runner and I take him to the task out on the roads. He’s always like “Tandy. How do I take my running times down from the 4:45s to the 4:30s?” So I wrote him a plan that I want to share with you beginners. You can write me if you also have more followups and maybe I can help you too, beginners.

Basically, I told him to stop drinking so much beer. Salter is a man of wine and women. I said “Hey Salter. You can’t drink every night and sleep and do whatnot if you want to become a subelite marathoner like me.”

So I am having him go to bed around 9 oclock at night. I call him to check in and make sure he’s not at the bar and doing the drinking and women thing. He doesn’t like that much and tells me to stop calling him.

Anyway. To the next section which is shoes.

I have read Born to Run four times and have heard the author Christopher McDougal speak on several occasions. Beginners, I have to tell you first and fourmost to stop wearing shoes and take it down to Vibrams five fingers and then to barefeet. As a point of honesty, I live in an area of town that is like Grand Tourino and there is glass and sharp rocks all over the place. We even got gangs and sometimes I feel like Clint Eastwood but I don’t own any guns and I sure as heck am not a papist pope worshiper.

So beginners, no shoes and get good sleep.

to the third part of my advice here is proper long runs. In order to run a sub elite time in the marathon you have to do a lot of sprints followed by a long run. I recommend, beginners, that you start at 5 miles and then take it up to 6 or 7. About three weeks before the marathon, take it to 8 or 9. 

"But the marathon is 26 miles"? you ask? "Yes but this is where the sprints come into the factor I say."

To make up for the other miles, you need to try out sprinting. Bingham won’t tell you it, but an African will. African runners do a lot of sprints upwards of 100-300 meters in length. This is about one football field. Before I ran the subelite times I didn’t do any sprints.

How do I know about Africans?

My dad and Gary went on a Christian mission to Rewanda in 1983. We saw a lot of sprinting there and barefoot running and no drinking too. These guys are good. Damn good runners. And that’s why Rewanda is always coming in second behind Kenya in the Olympics.

So no beer, 8 mile runs, no shoes and sprints.

As beginners I hope this helps you out. Salter tells me I should start a book with this stuff and that it’s really helping him.

Good luck, beginners.

-Harry Tandy.

Hey Dumbshit,

Stop using my email address on your "anonymous" comments on that letsrun website. Use your own fucking email address.

Hey spammers. It's harrytandy@yahoo.com.

Fucking Tandy, you are the stupidest guy I know.

-Salter
Anonymous

Sorry about that, John. I’m still figuring out the ropes of that running site.

-Harry Tandy.